What a road I have traveled over the last 7 or so years with you. I never saw any of this, didn't realize the beginning, and God knows I never saw the ending. I began this part of my web site as a sweet tribute to you. Someplace I could go to and freely be able to express in every possible way just how I felt for you. It wasn't long before it became the place I went in order to try and heal all the hurt and pain. A place to go and cry, where no one could see me, or see the love overflowing from my soul for you. |
It became my way of letting it all out once and for all. With each time you would walk out on me, on us, and on the love I had for you, I came to this site and wrote what was in my soul for you. I let it all out so freely. It was at times as if the damn had broken wide open, and the tears were flowing faster than it could handle. But it was all for you, The Un_Named. |
When you would come back and we began talking again, I would be filled with so much joy, so much pain, and so much hurt, because I knew it was only a matter of time before you would once again leave me. I told myself I had to be strong and protect myself, but it never failed, you always got through to me somehow. But It was always just a matter of time before you would come back again, just as it was always a matter of time before you would leave again. |
No one ever knows when love will bloom in one's heart. No one can ever see a heart breaking, and no one can ever tell you that it will be over soon. Only time is the key. If anyone had ever told me the road I would take and the path I would have taken with you, I would have said they were crazy. You were just my best friend in life, someone I could laugh with, share with and be "me" with. All the while my heart was working it's miracle. My heart was falling so in love with you. My soul was crying "he is the one." |
In the end my heart and soul cried so hard that you were not the one, but it was something I never saw. nor felt. I just heard it. Now to look back, was my heart wrong? Was my soul wrong? NO. Not in any way.. I loved you for the man you were, and the man you were becoming, and the man you would someday be. I will never regret falling in love with you, nor will I ever regret loving you. Even today, after all has been said and done, I still refer to you on this site as Un_Named, out of protection for you, and out of protection for myself. To mention your sweet name, or place your picture here would cost you so much in your life, and for me it would end it all. |
Now it's different. I won't allow you to come back and do this all over again. I have broken your viscious circle, and I am truly healing. I haven't reached the end as yet, maybe I never will. Maybe I will forever hurt over you and what could have been. All I can say is at least now I am strong enough to try. Its like an addiction. I have to say everyday I will be strong, and I will continue on this path, and I will heal. Don't get me wrong, I will forever love you and I will forever want you, but at least now I can say freely: Yes I loved and I lost, but I am making it, I am surviving the you that was once here with me. |
I have a new life now, its not the life I always thought I would have, nor is it perfect by any means. But its now my life alone, and that's the way it has to be. I can't allow you to have the control over my heart and my soul that you have had for so many years. There are still times I am taken back to you, and at those times is when I feel at my weakest, BUT, it then forces me to be stronger than before. I have to maintain the control, for if I don't, then I will fall all over again. It's so easy to do. You're so easy to love. But you're also the hardest thing I've ever loved in my life. |
A part of you will forever remain with me. I can't change that. You, and the love I felt for you, has forever changed the woman I am now and the woman I am becoming. Someday I will be whole again. I will be complete again, just as you once made me. The difference is, it will be without you. But only time knows when that day will arrive. |
For now, this is the end of the road for you and me. This is the last page, the last entry, and the last of the questions: when will he be back. I can answer that now. Never,You will never come back, for now I will be strong, and I won't allow you to come back. This is the way it has to be. I have to remember what we once shared was so very important. And as much as I try everyday not to place blame, I have to also admit to myself I allowed you to hurt me in the way you have. I was too weak to stop it from happening. You were the most perfect thing I had ever met, You were the love of my life in every single sense of the word, perfect. You were what I never knew I always wanted, and you were what I feared all my life. True unconditional love, for that is how I loved you. |
But that wasn't enough for us it seems. I couldn't love you enough. I couldn't love you for both of us. No one can say love will grow in another's heart. So now I must move on and I must allow my heart to heal. Maybe someday I will be able to say my heart doesn't cry any longer, and maybe I can love again. For now I will just try to heal. I don't know that it will ever happen. Only time will tell.. Who can say why my heart cries. When your love died? Only time...Maybe time is the answer to all of this madness within me. |
Forever I dedicate this and every page on this portion of my site to my best friend, the very person to reach into my soul, and place his hands upon it forever to remain there. Un_Named |
